I’m asexual. I never want to have sex. And I never want to have children. Those two things don’t necessarily need to go hand in hand. You don’t need to have sex to have a baby, there are things like fertilization or adoption. What a time we live in! And yet, when I tell people that I will never have children, they dismiss it. I don’t even try to tell them about the sex.
When I was 15 and told people that I’m never having children, they just laughed. When I was 18, they nodded knowingly and said “Oh, you just wait a couple of years.” When I was 21, older people with families usually went “When I was your age I thought the same and look at me now, with my three kids.” I’m 26 now, at this age I get few worried looks and hear things like “You still have time.”, “The clock is ticking you know.” or the all time favourite “You’re gonna meet someone soon and forget this nonsense.”
Well excuse me, because the last time I checked, it’s my decision, not yours, and when I say that I’m not having children, I mean it.
It took me a long time to come to this. Because everyone around you is expecting you to change, to magically start wanting children. You always hear that you’re going to change, and in a few years, and I was like you and then I got married and pregnant… There were times when I believed that. That maybe I’ll grow into wanting children. That because I’m a woman, I’ll want children because it’s somehow encoded in me to pass on my genes. But I am not like that. And it’s ok. It’s ok not to want children. So stop telling me that I will change. Stop telling me about my biological ticking clock. Stop expecting me to grow a child inside me only because I’m equipped for it. Honestly, if I wasn’t so scared of the surgery, I’d gladly give my ovaries away. Take them, take the eggs, fertilize them, make a good use of them because I won’t.
Funnily, not having children is the smaller of my issues, but I don’t talk about the other one. Knowing how people react to the information that I’m just never having children, I can’t even begin to imagine what would the reaction be to the fact that I’m just not sexually interested in anyone. Oh wait, I can begin to imagine and that’s the reason I don’t talk about it.
I was discussing this with a friend not a long time ago. She told me this: “I want to understand, but I just don’t.” Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how you can look at someone and think that you want to have sex with him. Why would you want to do that? We also talked about porn. Porn is supposed to make you hot and horny and what not. When I tried to watch porn, my two main thoughts were:
1. Wow, that must be really uncomfortable.
2. How is she so flexible? What kind of exercise does she do?
Yeah… Apparently that’s not normal. But at least she was understanding. The usual reaction to asexuality is something along the lines “You probably just haven’t met the right person.” or “But you haven’t even tried it, how can you know that you wouldn’t like it.” Well, I don’t, but I can tell you that I don’t really enjoy having a stranger’s tongue down my throat, so I’m pretty sure I don’t want any other body parts that don’t belong to me entering any of my body parts.
To be fair, I’m not against kissing. But only to some extent, enough is enough. My dream relationship would be having a best friend who kisses you sometimes and then you cuddle. And since I’m not very trusting, it’s difficult to become my friend, least my best friend. And there’s absolutely no need to jeopardize the friendship with my two best friends just because I want a kiss now and then. I will forever be alone. Which is also fine, by the way.
What would be nice however, is some representation. I only found out about asexuality about two years ago, completely by chance. I just lived with the fact that I’m weird. Once I started looking for it, I found books and films with asexual characters, but very little anyway. And in lots of cases asexuals are portrayed a bit like robots. I want a real human asexual character. One of the main characters ideally. Sure, we have Clariel by Garth Nix, but that’s about it from the more famous ones. I was getting my hopes up for the Riverdale series based on Archie Comics, because Jughead Jones is asexual and aromatic in the original comics. Sadly, the TV series goes in a different direction. There is an interview with Cole Sprouse on YouTube where he discusses Jughead’s asexuality and why he’s not ace in Riverdale. I get it. But I still wish it wasn’t so. Because representaion matters. It matters to know that you’re not damaged and that there is nothing wrong with you. And then maybe other people would see it too and accept it.

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I wish I could tell you how I feel.

I wish I had the courage to open up and risk everything. Because if I can’t risk everything for love then why do I even have everything. I don’t need my heart if I’m not willing to offer it to you, right? But that’s not it. It’s not my heart I’m afraid to give. It’s your heart I’m afraid about. My biggest fear is that you could love me back. I’m the person who would eventually break your heart. Not on purpose. It’s be probably a stupid misunderstanding, but I wouldn’t be able to take it back. And you would hate me for it. You wouldn’t even hate me for it, you would just be so disappointed in me and I couldn’t bear the disappointment in your eyes every time you look at me. I couldn’t bear the fact that I’ve caused it, so I’d do something even worse. I’d hate myself for it until the end of days, but that’s what I do. I do terrible things to the people I love. I’d stomp all over your heart and I’d lose you. And if there’s something even worse than not having love, then it must be having love for a while and then losing it. That’s why I’ll never open up. Not because I’m afraid that I’d get hurt, because I’m afraid you’d get hurt. It’s because I love you that I can never tell you so.

I wish I could be the person you deserve.

 

You know I love you
No, you don’t – I can’t tell you
Because I love you

It’s funny really. I gave up on love a long time ago. Or so I thought. Only recently have I realized that I’ve actually, despite everything, never really given up. I was always hoping to find it, to feel it. However I never imagined I could ever feel love and more so that I’d want to get rid of it.

You see, I’m in love with my best friend. And he will never know. Not from me at least. The irony is that he can never know because I love him. I destroy everything I touch and I can never risk destroying him. I can never risk hurting him so I’ll rather destroy myself just to save him. You may think I’m overreacting, you may think I’m just scared, you may think I’m a bitch. I don’t care. I’ve been in love with him for two and a half years. During this time he changed from being my good friend to being my best friend. He’s that person that I can be myslef around. He’s that person I can tell anything (well except my feelings for him).

I never thought somebody like this can even exist. He’s just like me in all the important ways, but he’s also different from me in all the important ways. And he’s so much better than I will ever be. I’ve known him for over eight years and I don’t know how I didn’t see this before. Even now, every time I see him I notice something new. How did I never manage to notice how handsome he is? How did I never appreciate his sense of humour? How did I not fall in love at first sight?

I see him now, I see him for the person he is and I love him. And I’m happy with being his friend. I don’t need to date him. All I want is to spend time with him. Talking, laughing, just being there with him. It would be enough for me to hug him and just never let him go. It would be so easy to do it, but I won’t. He deserves the world. He deserves to be happy. I cannot give him that. And that’s why I can never tell him I love him. Because I do.

I love my best friend.

Something weird happened. Last week I had some free time and my crazy mood, so I decided to make some funny pictures of myself. They weren’t actually all that bad, but I left them in my computer and last night I decided to submit one on deviantART. No problem. But today I logged in and two guys wrote me how gorgeous I look and they want to get to know me better. Don’t get me wrong I am flattered, but this has never happened before – I rarely get compliments in real life and almost never on the Internet. True enough I usually don’t like posting my pictures, but anyway…

And neither am I the girl who wants to hear how lovely she looks all the time. To be honest I think those girls, who post new photo on facebook every day and wait to be assured that they are still beautiful, are weird.

Well, but since the picture is having so much success I’m gonna share it with you and you can see for yourself if those guys are out of their minds or if it’s all the people around me who never pay compliments to me.

And I don’t even think that person on the photo looks like me. But well, it’s me.

I’d say I’m sorry for abandoning this blog for so long, but I’m not, I just wasn’t in the mood for it. I’m not in the mood now either, but I feel like writing something.

I’ve got an awful headache past few days, I keep thinking about life and love, I smile but I don’t feel like it. I wouldn’t call my state depression, I just find it difficult to be truly happy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact, that I can’t fall asleep before midnight and even then it’s with some difficulties. I’m ready to do ten things at once and then I suddenly feel like not doing anything at all. There are times I want to cry so much, but I can’t make myself.

I’ve never been this moody before. It’s like there’s this creature inside me and it’s doing things to me. It’s eating me from the inside. It’s hard to explain and not sound like a very crazy person. At least I’ve still my dearest All-American Rejects. I know most of their songs by heart now, but their charm still works and I can’t stop listening to it. I actually gave a try today, I turned on different band, but after three or four songs I had to stop it. There wasn’t the sense that they’re talking to me which I’ve got when listening to AAR.

School is still surprisingly good. It’s just… the same all the time. I feel I need some change. Like get different timetable every week. I know, it’s crazy, but doing the same things week after week is something I forgot and sometimes (but only sometimes) it’s so hard. I feel like my life’s grey instead of green which it used to be.

Well, maybe you’ll hear from me soon, maybe not… I’m making no promises. Have fun.

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