I wish I could tell you how I feel.

I wish I had the courage to open up and risk everything. Because if I can’t risk everything for love then why do I even have everything. I don’t need my heart if I’m not willing to offer it to you, right? But that’s not it. It’s not my heart I’m afraid to give. It’s your heart I’m afraid about. My biggest fear is that you could love me back. I’m the person who would eventually break your heart. Not on purpose. It’s be probably a stupid misunderstanding, but I wouldn’t be able to take it back. And you would hate me for it. You wouldn’t even hate me for it, you would just be so disappointed in me and I couldn’t bear the disappointment in your eyes every time you look at me. I couldn’t bear the fact that I’ve caused it, so I’d do something even worse. I’d hate myself for it until the end of days, but that’s what I do. I do terrible things to the people I love. I’d stomp all over your heart and I’d lose you. And if there’s something even worse than not having love, then it must be having love for a while and then losing it. That’s why I’ll never open up. Not because I’m afraid that I’d get hurt, because I’m afraid you’d get hurt. It’s because I love you that I can never tell you so.

I wish I could be the person you deserve.

 

You know I love you
No, you don’t – I can’t tell you
Because I love you

It’s funny really. I gave up on love a long time ago. Or so I thought. Only recently have I realized that I’ve actually, despite everything, never really given up. I was always hoping to find it, to feel it. However I never imagined I could ever feel love and more so that I’d want to get rid of it.

You see, I’m in love with my best friend. And he will never know. Not from me at least. The irony is that he can never know because I love him. I destroy everything I touch and I can never risk destroying him. I can never risk hurting him so I’ll rather destroy myself just to save him. You may think I’m overreacting, you may think I’m just scared, you may think I’m a bitch. I don’t care. I’ve been in love with him for two and a half years. During this time he changed from being my good friend to being my best friend. He’s that person that I can be myslef around. He’s that person I can tell anything (well except my feelings for him).

I never thought somebody like this can even exist. He’s just like me in all the important ways, but he’s also different from me in all the important ways. And he’s so much better than I will ever be. I’ve known him for over eight years and I don’t know how I didn’t see this before. Even now, every time I see him I notice something new. How did I never manage to notice how handsome he is? How did I never appreciate his sense of humour? How did I not fall in love at first sight?

I see him now, I see him for the person he is and I love him. And I’m happy with being his friend. I don’t need to date him. All I want is to spend time with him. Talking, laughing, just being there with him. It would be enough for me to hug him and just never let him go. It would be so easy to do it, but I won’t. He deserves the world. He deserves to be happy. I cannot give him that. And that’s why I can never tell him I love him. Because I do.

I love my best friend.

Something weird happened. Last week I had some free time and my crazy mood, so I decided to make some funny pictures of myself. They weren’t actually all that bad, but I left them in my computer and last night I decided to submit one on deviantART. No problem. But today I logged in and two guys wrote me how gorgeous I look and they want to get to know me better. Don’t get me wrong I am flattered, but this has never happened before – I rarely get compliments in real life and almost never on the Internet. True enough I usually don’t like posting my pictures, but anyway…

And neither am I the girl who wants to hear how lovely she looks all the time. To be honest I think those girls, who post new photo on facebook every day and wait to be assured that they are still beautiful, are weird.

Well, but since the picture is having so much success I’m gonna share it with you and you can see for yourself if those guys are out of their minds or if it’s all the people around me who never pay compliments to me.

And I don’t even think that person on the photo looks like me. But well, it’s me.

I’d say I’m sorry for abandoning this blog for so long, but I’m not, I just wasn’t in the mood for it. I’m not in the mood now either, but I feel like writing something.

I’ve got an awful headache past few days, I keep thinking about life and love, I smile but I don’t feel like it. I wouldn’t call my state depression, I just find it difficult to be truly happy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact, that I can’t fall asleep before midnight and even then it’s with some difficulties. I’m ready to do ten things at once and then I suddenly feel like not doing anything at all. There are times I want to cry so much, but I can’t make myself.

I’ve never been this moody before. It’s like there’s this creature inside me and it’s doing things to me. It’s eating me from the inside. It’s hard to explain and not sound like a very crazy person. At least I’ve still my dearest All-American Rejects. I know most of their songs by heart now, but their charm still works and I can’t stop listening to it. I actually gave a try today, I turned on different band, but after three or four songs I had to stop it. There wasn’t the sense that they’re talking to me which I’ve got when listening to AAR.

School is still surprisingly good. It’s just… the same all the time. I feel I need some change. Like get different timetable every week. I know, it’s crazy, but doing the same things week after week is something I forgot and sometimes (but only sometimes) it’s so hard. I feel like my life’s grey instead of green which it used to be.

Well, maybe you’ll hear from me soon, maybe not… I’m making no promises. Have fun.

It’s fun that I’m writing this today, because it’s their tenth anniversary if I may call it that – they’re together for incredible ten years. I wanted to continue with the sentence that it’s been ten days I’m listening to them, but it wouldn’t be true. I know this group for a long time, listening to their songs, but never more than to songs from other groups. But last week something changed.

I was really tired from the day I spent at the school, felt like it’s too much for me. And in this mood I turned on Gives You Hell. I don’t know what happened, but it was just the perfect song for the moment. I listened to it again and again completely confused that I didn’t see the geniality of this song much earlier. I spent the next day repeating over and over the lyrics in my head (since I can’t think that’s the only thing I have left). Especially in my morning English class with this teacher I really don’t like. I was just sitting there, smiling (she wants us to smile!) and inside my head I was all like “When you see my face I hope it gives you hell.” I can’t even tell you how much better I felt.

When I came home the next day I decided to listen to something else than Gives You Hell. It’s not like I didn’t know any other AAR songs, I did, but honestly not many of them, just the really famous ones. Well, to make long (and boring) story short, I know most of their songs by heart now, I keep listening to them for a week. And when I say to them I mean only them, I haven’t heard song from other band this long (maybe I did on a radio somewhere, but definitely not on purpose).

I don’t think it’s that long since I wrote here how I miss some passion in my life. Well maybe I just found it. I blame Tyson’s blue eyes, but it’s not just that, there’s something in their songs I can relate to, something that talks to me. That’s why I love them. And because they’re funny and Tyson’s got those lovely blue eyes.

I wanted to pick one song and put it here, but it’s so hard. After long thinking I chose Beekeeper’s Daughter.

The Daily Post

The Art and Craft of Blogging

Deep Thinkings

It's time we start thinking about our lives

The Overthinking Grace Port

I had some sort of argument going...but then I had some wine

5 Things to Do Today

If you always do what you always did then you always get what you always got

%d bloggers like this: